“I often read your website when I am in a self-hating, self-destructing mode. I often cruise through the comments section late at night and cry myself to sleep. I am a 21 year old half Japanese, half European girl who has moved to various countries throughout my childhood. However, my parents were studying in the United States at the time I was born, making me an American woman. When I read through the comments section of your website it makes me realize how useless and disgusting I am, what an utter waste of space I am… I am the product of the “exotic love affair” scenario being glorified on your website. My parents have been married for nearly thirty years now and are loving towards me and to each other… yet, I turned out to be a failure of a human being. There isn’t a second that doesn´t go by when I don´t hearken back to my father´s words about American women being “fat, ugly , materialistic, gold digging slobs” Whenever my boyfriend calls me “beautiful” I cannot fathom how he can think so, and instead hearken back to my father´s words, and go to a very depressing and miserable place within my mind and withdraw from him (both emotionally and physically) and then I go to a website such as this one , read the comments and sit in a vat of depressing gunk until I am too tired to keep my eyes open.
I doubt that most other children who are products of the “exotic love affair” scenario will turn out to be as disgusting and ill deserving of life as I am… but it is a possibility. I think it is important to watch one´s words around children. I am 115 pounds and my waist is 52cm (I don´t think this is any great accomplishment at all, but I am stating it to show that I am within what the World Health Organization deems as healthy and not overweight or obese): however, my father always went on tangents about how American women are “fat Wal-Mart pigs” and this has made me obsessively concerned with my weight. I am very health conscious and lead an active and healthy lifestyle. I don´t eat processed foods or refined sugars, or carbohydrates. I rarely eat bread or grains and when I do, it is brown rice or amaranth or quinoa and un-sprouted whole grain bread. I cook my meals from scratch etc, but I will admit there have been times in my life where I have suffered from eating disorders due to my father´s harsh and unkind words towards American women… something he seems to conveniently forget I am.
What is worse is that strangers often approach me telling me I am exotic, often denigrating American women in the process. When they hear my soft spoken, heavy Canadian accent as I speak they seem confused, astounded because my persona and voice do not match my appearance. I hate being called exotic. I do not understand it, and I feel miserable in the fact that my persona and my body do not match. Often people approach me calling me “senorita” yet I don´t understand a word of Spanish and these men and women seem confused when I reply in my heavy Canadian accent “no hablo espaniol”. I suppose because I am Asian/Caucasian this makes me look mestiza, and add to that the fact I was cursed with what people call an “hourglass shape” people are constantly confusing me for something I am not and it hurts. Most of the women on your site look very sweet and girl next door… I never fully understood what the word exotic means I suppose. I always felt women with unconventional features were exotic but perhaps I am wrong. I hate the feeling of being stuck between different worlds and not belonging to any. I hate when people approach me speaking Spanish and all I can do is say “I´m sorry, you´re mistaken” in my hideous Canadian prairie “hick” drawl…. Perhaps if I had lived in larger urban centers throughout my “formative years” and didn’t listen to my father constantly put American woman down things would be different. Perhaps things will be easier for the children that come to be as a result of your services… still, I felt it was important to share my story so that people understand that these American women that are so frequently being put down could be one´s future daughters.
I have never cared for money though I am an American woman. I only shop at second hand clothing stores. I take public transportation, even though doing so has gotten me physically assaulted in the past. I have never owned a designer clothing item and have no desire to. I used to volunteer with ESL students, a few of them were Latinas. Many were very sweet girls. I remember there was one girl I tutored. She was Colombian and I liked her very much and thought she was my friend. One day she complimented me on my jacket and asked me where I got it from and I told her that I got it from a thrift store and I can still remember, her mouth twisted in horror and disgust . After that, she never really spoke to me. I felt horrible, heartbroken. Not in a sexual or lesbian sort of way, but because I felt I had lost a friend and because it harkened back to high school, being made fun of for my clothes etc. I was never really able to make friends and often people wanted to be my friend for superficial reasons and upon finding out that I didn´t engage in materialism would often “dump” me or use me for my inability to say “no” when it came to lending money or helping with homework and other such favors. Then I would find out they were making fun of and gossiping about me behind their back despite all the favors and kind things I did for them. I have been used and pushed over by people of all races, Americanized or not I do feel that American culture is very much about materialism, but that there are American people out there who are not about materialism, at all. Also, many foreign nations have less pervasive materialism than America, but some individuals from such countries are very capable of being or morphing into someone highly materialistic.
I hope that you will post my email so that commenters will call me a fat, ugly, gold digging pig and go on about how they are glad to get away from psychotic, disgusting American women such as myself. However, what they will not realize is that, when they marry their foreign bride of their dreams, they are one step closer to producing a woman like me. Confused, self -hating, lonely, (even when surrounded by great people who love and care for them), wanting desperately to be accepted…
Feel free to insult and denigrate me all you want, but please post my email in its entirety.”